Friday, April 4, 2014

Understanding

I don't know why I'm going through this trial right now. I'm so frustrated. My body is beyond tired. Tired of fighting this pain I feel everyday, emotionally exhausted and just plain lack of sleep. When will this end, how long do I have to endure. I can't sleep, when I do, I have to lay on my right side, so my shoulder hurts, and my arm and my hip and my leg. I wake up constantly only to find my body sore from sleeping in the same position all night long. I'm also freezing. My scabs have fallen off, leaving new skin exposed and it is sorer than ever. It's so hard to explain, it's like an electric burning sensation, and usually comes in a quick jolt, like I've been electrocuted. Since my skin is so sensitive now, I can't wear a shirt. Tim has helped me cut off an old shirt that was his with long sleeves so at least my arms are kept warm. I'm longing to cover my waist, isn't that a strange want? Maybe it's security or warmth, I'm not sure, but it's getting old. Recently we put a space heater by my bed so I wouldn't be so cold. That has helped a lot. These are a few pics of how it's been looking the past few days.

I also hate staring at my gut all day, I can not wait to be able to work out again. Nothing like walking around almost naked for a month to motivate me to get in shape!
My emotions are out of control. I mean besides crying from the pain, anything a little stressful, I just can't bring myself to deal with right now. I feel like I'm never going to get better, and that thought alone makes me cry. I hate being inside all day, I hate that I can't go shopping, I hate that I can barely take care of my family. Finding anything to make me happy these days, is hard and honestly, I just don't think I care right now. I'm pretty sure that the only other time I've felt like this, is when we moved to Utah after Tim had lost his job. I'm generally a positive, happy person, but this is feeling overwhelming for me and I want it to end.
Tonight I was flipping through my Instagram feed and one of my friends had posted a spiritual thought. One that I needed to be reminded of. Trust in The Lord. He knows all, He has a plan for me. These past few weeks I have seen such compassion from my ward family and my friends. The Lord knows what I need, and when I need it. I have had wonderful visits from my Visitng Teacher who was brought me wonderful messages as well as things that have helped fill whatever void I needed filled. Yesterday she brought me some Aloe Vera gel, and today it has soothed my burning skin. Another friend has given me some medicine that has helped with my pain. I'm so grateful for each and every person who has texted and called and visited. I am truely blessed to have these people in my life. There are also no words to express how much I love my husband. He probably gets just as much sleep as I do, and still manages to go to work and come home and help me with whatever I need done. I feel so bad that he feels so helpless while he watches me cry while he rubs burn medicine on my back. It's funny because most of the time he just laughs at me because he doesn't know what else to do, but it makes me happier. I'm so glad he is here to help me through this. I know I will get better, I just need to trust in The Lord. He knows the desires of my heart, and He can help comfort me. Another thing I learned when Tim lost his job, was that by accepting service from other people, I was allowing others to recieve blessings. I need to remember that that is what is happening here again, as hard as it is for me to ask for help, I know I am allowing other people to be blessed. I'm so grateful for the gospel and I love my family so much. Ok Shingles, you can now leave!!!!

 

1 comment:

Emily said...

I love you Anja! I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I am praying for a quick recovery both physically and emotionally and spiritually.

Sending you love and hugs from over here!